


Take Your Daughter to Work Day

by Katranga



Category: Archer (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 14:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7535755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katranga/pseuds/Katranga
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kinda bitter that Abbiejean wasn't in S7 more so here's a quick thing about Archer accidentally on purpose bringing her on a surveillance mission. Spoiler alert: he wears one of those baby pouches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Take Your Daughter to Work Day

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly what's the point of the show having a baby if they're not going to do anything with it but WHATEVER.

Surveillance had to be the most boring assignment in the world. Archer should’ve pawned this off on Cyril. Or, shit, even Cheryl could do this job. On her own, without supervision. That was how mind-numbingly boring and stupid surveillance was. Why hadn’t he tried harder to get out of it?

“Bluh buh,” came from the passenger seat.

He turned away from the café patio his target had been sitting at for twenty minutes and looked at Abbiejean. He pulled her out of the baby carrier that almost certainly wasn’t supposed to be in the front seat, but his whole backseat was covered in guns in case the day got interesting, and knowing Abbiejean, his flesh and blood, she’d find a way to get her grubby baby paws on them.

So the front seat was undeniably safer.

Though not safer than day care, where she was supposed to be.

“So, if anybody asks, you’re not here, okay?” Archer bounced her on his knee and she gurgled happily at the attention. He shook his head. “Oh that’s right, you can’t talk, can you?” He booped her nose. “Stupid baby.”

She smiled at him, guileless and trusting. He should not be in charge of this baby. That was absolutely not the plan, but daycare workers were apparently very easy to offend and reserved the right to refuse service to any parent who made a joke about breast feeding.

“Like, grow up, right?” he said to Abbiejean. “Take a joke.”

“Da,” she said.

“Yeah, you thought it was funny. Didn’t you?” He tickled her sides and her squealing laughter filled the car. “You’re a pretty good stakeout buddy, you know that? Just don’t shit, because you’ll be sitting in it all day. You hear me?” He shook a finger at her. She grabbed it with her own tiny fingers. She may grow into Lana’s man hands later in life, but for now everything about her was tiny to him. “Don’t poop. I will not allow your leaky baby excrement to get all over the interior of this car.”

She started gnawing on his finger, two little teeth digging into his first knuckle. “Pretty sure you have a toy for that, kid.”

She turned away, attention stolen by movement across the street.

“Oh, shit. Okay.” He got out of the car without checking for traffic and flipped off a taxi that nearly clipped him. “I’m holding a _baby_!”

He got a honk in response, which all in all, probably brought too much attention to his covert mission. But his target was casually crossing the street, paying no attention to Archer. Good.

Abbiejean snuggled against his chest. “Bah boo.”

“That’s right!” he enthused as he opened the passenger door. “Babou. You met him, right? You think Cheryl brought him with her?”

He continued to wonder about the ocelot’s whereabouts while he struggled to get the baby carrier out of the passenger seat so he could tail his target. But he’d fastened it in with so many buckles and straps that getting it out one-handed was impossible.

Abbiejean yanked on his tie. “I know, I know. He’s getting away. Just-”

Could he set her on the roof? That’s what he did with his drinks. And then he usually immediately forgot about them and drove off and they spilled down the back windshield and onto the road. But he wasn’t about to drive. So putting Abbiejean up there for a second was okay, right?

“Oh, that’s a cute baby!”

He turned around. There was a trio of women crowding him. Right, babies were even better than tiny dogs in the pick-up department.

“Great, hold her for a sec?” He shoved Abbiejean at the closest woman. Blonde. Short shorts. Her heels were too high to get her very far if she took off with his child.

He spent another couple seconds fighting with the baby carrier until he noticed something sticking out of the baby bag.

Ugh.

He pulled out the baby chest holster and tugged it on. Whatever it was called. Kangaroo pouch? Baby trap? It ruined his outfit, but Abbiejean fit snugly as he slipped her into it.

The blonde woman leaned in, cleave on full display. “What’s her name?”

“Uh, AJ.” He checked down the street, but on second thought his target wasn’t that far away. He could stop to chat.

“Is she yours?” another woman asked.

Archer got that question a lot. Like, did he look like a goddamn babysitter? Who else would it belong to?

He puffed out his chest, which now had a baby hanging from it. “Of course. She’s got my smile. See?” He leaned down next to her chest and smiled, but she was busy gnawing on her fist. “Stupid baby, smile.” He blew a raspberry on her cheek and she giggled.

The women didn’t look nearly as impressed as they should’ve been.

“You shouldn’t call a baby stupid.”

“What?”

“They know what you’re saying, even this young.”

“No they don’t- look, who has a baby here? Me. I think I know what I’m doing.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Shut up. Idiot.” He cradled Abbiejean’s head as he shouldered past them. Waste of time, anyway. Lana and him had a date tonight. Well, she called them dates. Archer didn’t count it as a date if it was just dinner at her apartment with Abbiejean, but whatever.

He hurried down the street and then stopped himself. He needed to be casual. Clandestine.

He switched to a slow saunter.

Abbiejean gurgled happily.

“Yeah what the hell do they know, right? I'm nailing this.”

Now where the hell did that guy he was tailing go?

He turned a corner and an arm went around his neck.

He grabbed the arm and flipped his attacker onto the sidewalk.

Abbiejean immediately started wailing.

“What the shit?” Archer jammed his foot under the guy's chin and whipped his gun from its holster. “I have a baby!”

“Your PI agency rent a baby?” It was the guy he was being paid to trail all day to see if he was cheating on his wife. How had he noticed Archer?

“No way we have the budget for that,” he scoffed, trying to soothe Abbiejean’s cries while threatening the guy with a gun. “Like I don't know how much it costs, but I assume a lot? You probably gotta pay insurance- I mean, wait shit- what PI agency?”

Maybe the guy didn’t hear any of his suave recovery over the wailing baby on his chest.

“Look shit- I’m gonna take my foot off your throat but I still have a gun on you so don’t try anything.” He started bouncing Abbiejean while keeping the gun trained on the dude’s face.

He lifted his hands in placation. “Look, I don’t want any trouble.”

“Is that why you attacked me? With a baby?” She was settling down now that he was doing that rocking thing babies are into.

“You were following me.”

“So you tried to choke me? With a _baby_?”

“What the hell are you doing with a baby anyway?”

“Maybe it’s Take Your Daughter to Work Day.” Archer waved his gun around. “Maybe it’s none of your damn business. Don’t critique my parenting style!”

“Chill. Dude. Listen. Whatever my wife’s paying you, I’ll double it to stop tailing me and tail her. Because I think she’s cheating on me, too.”

Archer lowered his gun. “You should’ve started with that. Idiot.”

\--

Archer limped into the office later that day. His knuckles were bloodied, lip swollen, but Abbiejean was clean as a whistle, and as smiley and happy as ever.

“What the hell-” Lana began, sitting at the table with Ray. Then her eyes narrowed at Abbiejean hanging off Archer's chest. She leapt to her feet. “What the shit, where did you take her?”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Only you could turn a standard surveillance assignment into an unmitigated shit show.”

Archer lifted a finger. “One: shut up. Two: the husband offered double what the wife was paying, but she wasn’t cheating, just heading an enormous drug ring. So I dealt with that. On my own. You’re welcome.”

“Nobody thanked you.” Lana snatched Abbiejean out of his chest pouch. “And you unfortunately weren’t alone. You took my infant daughter-”

“ _Our_ infant daughter. You can’t rescind my paternity every time you’re pissed at me.”

“Watch me.”

Archer scoffed and dug around in the nearest cabinet for scotch or vodka or whatever the alcoholics in this office hid around here. His body was softly radiating with pain and he had to drown it in something. “I’ll have you know, I took every precaution fighting with her –which was bad ass, by the way, and awesome father-daughter bonding.”

“How many drug dealers did you take out?” Ray asked.

“Like seven? Maybe ten. With my bare hands! Because I didn’t want AJ to get tinnitus.” He spread his arms at Lana, an open bottle of vodka in one hand and white rum in the other. “Because I’m _responsible_.”

Lana bounced Abbiejean on her hip. “All you had to do was drop her off at daycare.”

He tossed back a gulp of vodka and chased it with rum. “I _tried_.”

Lana glared at him, waiting for him to elaborate.

Instead he drank more and said, “AJ was so great. You should’ve seen her, Lana. She’s gonna be a better spy than you.”

Granted, all Abbiejean really did was wave her tiny fists around encouraging him, but with him and Lana as parents there was no way she wasn’t going to be kickass.

Lana snorted. “Better spy than _you_ , maybe.”

“She’s a better spy than him now and she shits herself.” Ray waved a hand in front of his nose. “Clean your filthy child.”

Lana grimaced and held Abbiejean out to Archer. “Oh shit, yeah. Take her.”

Okay, so she was going to be kickass as soon as she got potty trained. When was that gonna be? She was crawling already, she should be able to use a toilet soon, right?

He tried to wiggle his way out of it because he didn’t want to go septic from the open cuts on his hands getting shit in them. It was not fun. “There aren’t changing tables in the men’s room.”

“So use the women’s and write a complaint to HR.”

A toilet flushed as Pam left the men’s room. “Is that still me?”

The bottles clinked as Archer set them down on the counter. “That stupid dolphin puppet did more than you ever did, Pam. And I don’t think it made the move.”

“Aw.”

Lana forced Abbiejean into Archer’s arms. “No more missions until she can tell you to fuck off and leave her at home.”

“Are you kidding? She _loved_ it. She’ll always be down for a mission.” He took her from Lana and lifted her to his face. “Isn’t that right? You wanna kill bad guys and make money?”

She squealed in delight, a huge grin splitting her face.

“Honestly, Lana. She’s our damn kid.”

She scowled, but her eyes were bright, like they were whenever Abbiejean smiled. “Go change her diaper.”

He carried Abbiejean to the bathroom and muttered, “This is going straight into the vent in Cyril’s office.”

She clapped and he grinned as he changed her diaper. He’d kind of gotten used to how gross it was, and he was great at keeping her entertained while he cleaned her up.

“That’s right, one day you’re gonna work with us and strike fear into the heart of anyone who looks at you wrong, just like your mom. But you’ll be a better shot than her, because I’ll teach you.” Baby powder joined the blood and sweat on his suit as he picked her up off the changing table. He was never going to get over the full feeling in his chest that her solid weight in his arms gave him. “You’re gonna be the world’s greatest spy, kid. Just like your dad."

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Archer fic, so any feedback is appreciated!


End file.
